Just Another Day

I feel like I should remember the day
But I have no insight to memorialize
I’m not sure that I learned that much
And I’m pretty sure for your part,
you don’t care and don’t remember.
I could be wrong
(but I doubt it)
but I imagine even the brief desire
to remember
is one-sided
and
I
don’t want the load.

There was a time
When I thought we would be forever
That I had high hopes
And strong faith
and a happy smile
But
(it would seem)
I threw that all away
Though of course I know
that
there is a lot more to it than that
but it still feels
that way
to me.

I don’t have much to say
(not anymore)
about that day
Sure,
my world crumbled
and I believed I was to blame
and there was nothing to do
nothing I could do
and even though it has been over a decade
I still remember wanting to die
Not being able to breathe
being unable to smile
unable to think
unable to sit still
unable to move
I remember being out of my mind
I felt like I would explode
There were too many feelings
all at once
and everyone a knife in my heart.

I remember the dreams.

I had them when we were together
and they were so sweet…
you were very pregnant
Looking in a mirror
and you would call me over
to feel the baby kick
and the baby would
kick
and then I would wake.

I kept having the dream.

After there was no more we
I still had the dream
It was still sweet
It was still beautiful
and then
kick
I would wake
and weep
I would weep with racking sobs
And the pain was so intense
I could feel it
physically
in my chest.

When we were together
I would wake in peaceful bliss

When we were apart
I would wake in horror.

It became the most beautiful nightmare
And beautiful it was,
And a nightmare it was.

I don’t have much to say now.
I have no words of wisdom
I just hope that your life
has been
better than mine.
I hope that
for you
today really is,
just another day.

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10 thoughts on “Just Another Day

  1. “It became the most beautiful nightmare
    And beautiful it was,
    And a nightmare it was.”

    I think you summed up your piece with just those words….the intensity just screams out and yet there is a calmer presence there too…the contrast is really heartbreaking…you really have captured such difficult moments in such a riveting way…and the emotions that follow invoke your readers to feel along with you…you touch a pain, that pain may be there for different reasons but we call can share the feeling…and hopefully heal a little from it.

  2. These types of hurts just seem to drive deeper and deeper into the heart as the years go by–especially when we are convinced we were the ones inflicting the pain–especially at night in our revisiting of those long gone days. Did not know you liked hugs–sending you LOTS of hugs!

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