Blinded by connection
As if it were more important
I may be careening to my end
But of course I cannot see
Because I am blind.
Do I dream of love?
Do I dare to hope…
Not so much
Like cold water on hot loins
is the life of all I’ve lived to date
I know that it is all around
but I am not so fit for love
But some say sex is just the same
Or that you must first enter in
That somehow lips and hips and breasts
Tell you things you need to know…
But if I had the box of clues
The whole box, the whole set
And if I had it now
I wouldn’t still know what to do
I wouldn’t enter in.
I feel a need for touch myself
But not a need for death
And I wouldn’t want to confuse
The two once more again…
The pounding of the beat
Of that awful pop star song
Pulsing in the background here
Makes the hours seem quite long.
I don’t know why it is I’m here
I can’t imagine anything
That would justify this song
Playing in the air…
Fracture lines run everywhere
But they can’t see them on my face
Maybe if they looked inside
But I am safe if I just stare
Stare somewhere near every floor.
I feel a mounting stress tonight…
And cannot take so many blows
It gets to me the things they say
I feel so bad inside.
Even though I want so bad
For someone just to look inside
I keep them out at every turn
Because I am afraid.
Even though the demons ride
I fear to turn again.
My stomache ties itself in knots
And I feel a lump inside my chest
I wish that all the tears would stop
I just hate to cry alone.
But who would hold me as I weep?
And who would let my racking sobs
press against their waiting chest?
Who would I risk fear and pain
to let them in
to help me cope…?
I feel the need for kindness
I feel it hard right now
Would someone please just be so soft
But strong enough to stay?
I have gone through so very much
And simple words as these cannot
begin to tell you of my life.
Would that I could be so held
And someone in the flesh might deign
To stay with me while I travel
And I with them till death.
I dig and I dig like a madman gone sane
Grasping at dirt clawing for air
Pounding on wood till the splinters draw blood
Feeling the stirring within…
I did not dream last night.
I did not fight
I did not win
I did not feel the victory
Only death and waiting sin.
Waiting to wake up
Waiting to see
Waiting for things I don’t believe can ever be
Waiting for happiness
Waiting for God
But I never seem to wait long enough and then comes the rod
Waiting for direction
And waiting for me
Waiting for a place and time that I can learn to be
Waiting for justice
Waiting for you
Waiting for mercy’s rain to make it through.
Waiting for time
Waiting for blues
Waiting for a day when I want to choose.
Waiting for sunlight
Waiting for the Son
Dreaming about the day He dries those tears, every one
We put them on after we rise
Every morning so we go
The faces that we show the world
That we think they need to see.
The happy face
The mourning face
The reassuring face
The disturbed face
The face that woos another’s heart
And the one that woos their loins
We put our faces on in parts
And lose the whole ourself.
The friendly face
The open face
The face we show the boss
The, “don’t worry mommy, it’s ok,” face
And the one we show the men-
Right before they die.
Into night I rode like hell
And did not stop a single time
The horse was like to painted steel
Painted black in fearsome pain.
Inky destination bold
And I did not a second know
How it was I had grown old
Or where it was inside.
Galloping made a steady sound
Loud and like to thunder rolled
As I rode across the night
Searching under missing moon.
I lost my way on darkest ride
That was a night in memory
And though on land I felt the tide
Racing through that desert sea.
I watched you as you watched me
And pleasure was the game
And though I wished that you had joined
Still I loved it just the same.
I looked at your expression
As I carried on
And in the light of evening time
I saw my first clear dawn.
You smiled as you watched me
And then you tendered what I dreamed
And as I rode the wave to shore
Your expression fairly beamed…
I soaked in every smirk and smile
And as I rode the wave I waved
And you saw all my drunken wiles
And waved back just the same.
I do not know where this shore is
I do not know just where we are
But this is an incredible night
And I can say this though you’re far.
As we gazed into the depths
Of each other’s souls
I know that I hoped for what is best
And that you would be whole.