Fears that Stop Me Praying

Some nights are just longer than others
and if I were to be honest
I would tell you
(or at least tell myself)
that I didn’t like the waiting–
that I didn’t like the temptation and the testing,
that I was
in fact
very tired.

I have dreams you know
the ones I don’t like to think about
(which almost guarantees they won’t come to pass)
because I have a hard time with happy endings
(at least for myself)
but if I were to be honest…
I still have dreams.

But I am afraid to make them prayers
Do you believe in God?
I do
But I have some serious trust issues
even with Him.

I am afraid of joy.

I don’t trust it.

How could it possibly be?

For me…?

9 thoughts on “Fears that Stop Me Praying

  1. I used to feel like this, but NOW is different. God IS trustworthy, and so is His joy–He desires to bless us, to give us abundant life (joyous) in Him. I wouldn’t make this up, it’s not just poetry.

  2. There are many who doubt and question. I think that is real, we are human. I appreciated your thoughts. I am an optimist and hope that you will find happiness, trust and some form of God/Mother Nature/ all being.

  3. I can relate to some extent. I went through a couple of seasons of doubt in the foundations of my faith. I am still healing from those wounds. It is like I feel betrayed by God, but I wasn’t. I was betrayed by an institution that was scared to educate me in the ways of faith and reason. They can coexist. I love hearing about other people with trust issues. It makes you real, and God values real people above those who lie to themselves.
    Keep up the honesty.

    1. If I were to be honest, I would tell you I love ecclesial institutions. If I were to be really honest I would say that rarely do I find fault on a day to day basis with such institutions… individual persons however… but maybe honesty is only wanted sometimes and openness even less.

  4. Thanks for sharing with us your poems. I read a few of them and in some way, it reminds me that being a Christian doesn’t mean life will turn out easy for us, we’ll face trials and hardships and questionning, but God has a purpose in making those happen. When fear comes in my heart, I always remember that somewhere near, there’s light…

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