To the Others on Ending It

Some people just can’t understand suicide
They say all kinds of things
And when they’re done you still feel dead
And now a bit more silent.

Some people can’t relate to suicide
They say they have never had the thought
And then they still keep speaking boldly
After their admission of ignorance.

Some people don’t approve of suicide
And feel the need to say such things
I’m not sure what they think their words
Would do to someone on the brink.

If you have never wanted to die
Then of course you never would have thought
How you might, by your own hand
Make that thought come real.

And I know life is hard-fought precious
And that it brings so many pains
And that its beauty gets obscured
By all the many sins and stains.

Some people know the darkness
And how it feels at night
Some people know the torture
And still they found a light.

Testing

There is a hush when you get closer to God
A stillness that cannot be compared
And every thing just falls away
As the gap is closed.

There is depth that you didn’t know
Ever could be plunged into
By a heart as broke as yours
And you feel it now.

There is a time that seems to stop
As you come to deity
And every waking moment cries
To stay within that place.

But there is a testing far away
The presence is not felt at all
And though we wish that we might stay
This is not how we will grow.

Fears that Stop Me Praying

Some nights are just longer than others
and if I were to be honest
I would tell you
(or at least tell myself)
that I didn’t like the waiting–
that I didn’t like the temptation and the testing,
that I was
in fact
very tired.

I have dreams you know
the ones I don’t like to think about
(which almost guarantees they won’t come to pass)
because I have a hard time with happy endings
(at least for myself)
but if I were to be honest…
I still have dreams.

But I am afraid to make them prayers
Do you believe in God?
I do
But I have some serious trust issues
even with Him.

I am afraid of joy.

I don’t trust it.

How could it possibly be?

For me…?

Trust

But can I trust that you have good
for one who has been oh so bad?
And all the things not understood
so done to me that broke my heart?

Trust is harder than I thought
and I don’t have a magic switch
and all the world feels torn apart
and off they go without a hitch.

Tell me there will be a judgement
and I will have to answer too
tell me that it’s not for nothing
all this pain we travel through.