I crawled down under in the night
To escape the fear of day
And made my home within a hell
And thought I might just have to stay.
I stayed down under far too long
Until I heard your voice above
And peered outside to see your face
But I am so afraid of love.
Let the sun which sees me now
Have me in the worst of times
So that I may see the best
And burn and burn and burn.
I wonder how often someone has waited
For me to let them in
Or open up
Or give them an answer
Or pay them attention
Or take their hand
Or show them kindness…
I wonder this now
because I wait for you
I hold no expectation
But must I not dare to hope
And how often we think it is a small thing
And does not matter
And so we do not answer
And so now
As I wait
May I remember to answer those who perhaps
Are waiting for me.
Peace be with you
And no more fear
Do not trust your beauty–
Though it be great
Do not trust your youth–
Though you are yet young
Trust in your God
And He will lead us both.
I struggle to believe in good for me
It seems like a thing for someone else
And so I struggle here this day
Just to say a prayer.
This record is not broken
He made the universe
I will be possessed as He sees fit
for such a one
to be even near
is to see
and see clearly
for the first time in years.
I could not write yesterday
Because I was too worn
I dread my time with you
Almost as much as I long for it.
You are terrifying in your beauty
And I’m sure you do not have the slightest idea
You are terrifying in your kindness
And I’m sure you do not understand.
I am sorry in so many ways
So many ways I never thought I really would be
I would have lived life differently
If I had been haunted by you at an earlier age.
But we people rarely see the future
And we plan accordingly
Be well angel– and I will not stop to take you off this pedestal
Maybe one day you will understand…
And perhaps one day I will as well.
Have I ever been happy?
Amidst the blood and guts of war?
Or in the peaceful plenty times?
Or in the darkest hour?
Five things you said that I should write
Five things that bring me joy
And so I venture out my door
With wonder I’d thought lost.
Even the little things?
Or maybe there are no little things
and I am just wrong
It is so damned hard
To keep it all in
and in some ways
letting it out a little at a time
seems even harder.
God have mercy
And let me not hide my feelings
for no reason at all
There is a time for everything
But let me not withhold the expression of joy and sorrow
From those to whom it is due.
Now I thank you
You who pick up all the pieces of my shattered heart
And I wonder,
how many times in my life
have I done some small thing for a person
some thing that I forgot almost as soon as I did it
some thing that turned out
turned out to bring them to tears
and not the bad kind of crying
not the tears of pain
I still cannot believe it,