Visions

She burns into my vision
Thrust into my consciousness in every kind of moment
She is there before me when I dream
She is there before me when I sin
She is there before me when I do right
She, a haunting beauty that never fades
Like some apparition that tortures a soul with dreams of ecstasy
I cannot keep her out
And perhaps I do not want to
But there is a fire in my veins at the thought of the sound
of her voice.

She is far beyond me
“Of course she is,” you say.

I do not think that I can reach her
“You are afraid.”

The way is hard and I must rend my own flesh to get there
“But God will rend it for you.”

But surely there is nothing so beautiful for me in my future
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”

I cannot believe the good; everything hurts too bad
“God is not a liar.”

They locked up better men
“And he throws down kings in a day.”

I cannot even say the words
To tell of that which I would dream
Of such a one as has found me
Bloody on the earth.

I cannot reach to touch her face
And if she were to reach for mine
I think that I would fall apart
In pieces on the earth.

Hear me God
I would kneel
Break me till
I love you full.

Vision

I saw you in a dream
sitting at the piano
you wore a fedora
and your red hair was like falling flames from underneath that lucky hat.

You sang into a microphone
and I wept to hear your voice
but you did not sing of pain
(though you played it).

the room was still as I stared
Like a creep
or a lost puppy
depending on your mood
I was in dark
gazing at the light.

play on I say
let the keys call their hammers
and let them fall upon the strings
as each word you sing into the mic
gives birth another dream.

Fears that Stop Me Praying

Some nights are just longer than others
and if I were to be honest
I would tell you
(or at least tell myself)
that I didn’t like the waiting–
that I didn’t like the temptation and the testing,
that I was
in fact
very tired.

I have dreams you know
the ones I don’t like to think about
(which almost guarantees they won’t come to pass)
because I have a hard time with happy endings
(at least for myself)
but if I were to be honest…
I still have dreams.

But I am afraid to make them prayers
Do you believe in God?
I do
But I have some serious trust issues
even with Him.

I am afraid of joy.

I don’t trust it.

How could it possibly be?

For me…?