I want to find a way
And I want to trust today
I may not feel OK
But I want to find a way.
I want to feel a start
And in the waking hour
I want to sing my praise
And feel the Spirit’s power.
The hot sun wakes me
And I feel the touch of God
Let it rain down now.
I hope I find you
And realize that you are you
Amidst all this pain.
Just because the world is wrong
And all the pieces everywhere
Doesn’t mean that joy ain’t real
And that this moment is a fake.
Just because you feel Ok
Doesn’t mean it is a lie
Or that your problems disappeared
Or that you have betrayed the dead.
And though it hurts with every breath
It doesn’t mean it always will
And though your tears could fill the sea
You still can smile if it feels right.
But I want to give in
And give up
Better men than me could not change
And who am I?
I want to fall back into darkness
As it gently tears me to peaces from the inside out
In what world could I possibly ever hope to triumph?
In what world could I ever imagine changing?
Who am I that I should think I could be better?
That I could change?
I am nothing.
I am no one.
But then there was the incarnation.
Did not God become a man?
Blood and scales and screaming pain
I beg you to change what I cannot change-
Forgive me and show me flying horses.
Restore me and let me be held.
Let that tiny seed grow.
If you have spoken
You will come through
And you will continue to lead
In various ways
You will always get my attention
And so you have it
Please do not stop teaching me
Please do not stop loving me
I know that you have already said you would never leave nor forsake
And I know your word stands true
But I did not know how hard it would be
To wrestle my own heart
I am afraid
Please do not leave me
I will hold this cup
And it will not pass
Not a second before it has been decreed.
Tired in the fullest sense
I run until I can’t no more
And mama told me the world would kick
I should a’ listened better.
I can’t control what I believe
and so I cannot walk away
may I listen to my mama
before she leaves me here.
The pain is making things so hard
and I just want to lay it down
but in the snow the reaper waits
and I can’t just give up.
Warm me with your body’s heat
And I will you with mine
I will dream and you will touch
And hope will have its day.
Soon the shallow breath will stop
And hearts will be as one
As I let go my deathly grip
On that which has no substance.
I sat in ash for many days
That turned to weeks and months and years
but then a light broke overhead
and burned away my many tears.
And hope which had seemed far away
destroyed my bitter castle walls
and broke down every door and gate
and threw to flames my many palls.
I waited not for an event
but for change inside
and when He speaks the monsters sit
and sheep no longer hide.