Sometimes things are stopped
And you feel that the massive build-up of water behind the dam
Will crush you
But you also worry
That if the dam breaks,
Everything will be ruined.
We fear a loss of control
One we do not really have to begin with
And we long for love
and even happiness,
Take a brick out of your pack
and give it away
I would tell you to give it to God
But you would rightly point out
That I often do not do this so well myself
And of course
Some of you
Think Him a fiction anyways.
Yet there are things
Things stopping the right flow of us
And we need healing
And maybe that means
to fall apart
and let it all out,
if only we felt safe to do so.
There is this one thing
A thing that’s holding me back
But the things that keep me from giving up the one thing
They are fierce and terrifying.
I go out
You come in
A minute or two of beautiful terror.
How can I leave the dark
If I fear the light will not accept me?
How can I be holy
If the righteous do not offer shelter?
How can I believe in God
If I still think he’s out to get me?
How can I trust
When I do not trust?
Even a vision of beauty as such
Becomes a fearsome cruel sharp knife
And plunged into my heart again
I do not see the grace and truth
And after all,
Why would there be a place for me in this world
Why would another forgive me?
I guess you have a point
I mean you’re right it’s true
The things we do not know today
Are a bit scary.
But sometimes knowing makes me sad
And I used to explore
And hope and dream and try new things
Every day I left my door.
Don’t be scared oh precious one
You are worth so many birds
And you were made for weighty things
I feel it in my bones.
In a hurry
Filled with what
I do not know
Yet it wants to burst out free.
There are things that do not sleep
Like troubles in the night
And there are things that do not keep
Like gifts unused withheld from light.
There are monsters in your heart
Until a bigger devil comes
Or some avenging angel starts
Or soft the Spirit begins to burn.
And then I realized I could not wait
for a feeling,
It began to dawn on me
That a decision must be made
apart from the heart
to save the soul,
and everything else.
And I could no longer flee
when I was upset
but must needs always
I must read
when even I had sinned
and when the world
and brother sinned against me…
or began to,
that even then
in all of those
I must approach.
I don’t know what to pray
I feel as numb with heavy limbs
Like lead fills all my veins
A small victory sometimes seems
Far too little
amidst all the growing agony.
To do right is hard
and wrong so easy
and so the world tears itself apart.
I long for companionship
but fear all sorts of pain
my old friend who eats at me
is both a comfort
and a fear
and small victories seem so small
and the road seems far too long
and death, like a friendly cloak,
lurks in the shadows of every room.
The light begins but finds such shade
and darkness steals the left and right
and we in finite final form
fear to tread at all.
Would you believe in all this filth?
Would you believe with strawless bricks?
The fog is thick even in day
and the way has grown obscured.
But faith, unasked for,
holds an ember with a fire
burning at the heart to keep
all it’s holy right desire.
Explanations fail the heart
after years of beatings grim
but faith, from reason, not apart
holds a fire in the night…
The humble man argues with God,
But the proud man is a fool.
In all we think we are first,
Yet when we pray we are scared.
The needs of our heart are great,
Yet we speak as though God is small.
The acts of the Lord are many and frightening,
Yet we think our monsters will win.
It is hard to trust His kind intention,
Yet He became a man.
It is hard to believe He has a good plan,
Yet He laid down his life.
Who can stand in His presence?
But we have been told to approach with confidence.
Who could see Him and not die?
Yet we are commanded to draw near.
How do I know He loves me?
I know because He loved me first.