Timing

Sometimes
I get caught
intellectually
between a rock
and a hard place
and I feel like
I am the only one
and that this never happens
to my enemies.

And I forget that
God hears
and I feel the world continue to spin
When I just want it to
stop.

And I just want to figure it out
but the world does not stop for me
or anyone else
and if it is happening to me
It has happened before
to others.

And I want it to stop
and I don’t want to feel
but I am swept along
carried by waves I could never hope to fight
and I am tired.

I don’t want to have small faith
but I do
and the road to big faith
is very hard.

Everyone knows this
in their head
(or at least they should)
but to know a thing in the heart as well
that is another story
and though I love stories
the best ones are awful to live through.

If it does not seem hopeless,
What is your rescue?
If it is not darker than the darkest night,
Then what will the dawn mean to you?

My bones, my bones,
my weary weary bones
let there be a voice
let there be a hand
let there be a hope
in this darkest of nights.

In Time of Need

I am under siege.

The grip around my neck is tight and growing tighter
The lessons learned and forgotten and learned again
Have left me exhausted in my bones.

I am afraid.

The cold is fast upon my heart
And lonely I am stuck in fear
I hear raging all around and the center is not calm.

I am failing.

The light is weak the candle dies
It flickers as I reach for death
And in the morning I might, wake or I may be gone.

Hear my prayer.

The death I seek is not with bodies
Not revenge and not my own
Let my heart be rescued now as the old man dies.

I Hope

I hope.

I hope that one day soon
I will feel certain things
Certain things I know

I hope.

I hope that one day soon
I will trust more than I do.

I hope.

I hope that one day soon
The light that falls on me
Will fill me up
and spill over and out
and I will shine back.

I hope.

Nightmares

Distanced from our hearts
We find ourselves
Acting
As we promised
We never would
And thought
We never could.

And when we only feel
And do not think
We get even worse
And we wake up
in places
places we never dreamed
except in our worst nightmares.

And now we reside
In this darkness
And from here we seek the gospel
if it seeks us
and not from some high place
but from this pit
way down here.

Sing to me of your freedom
Tell me of mountaintops and clouds like skirts
That swirl and twirl and hide and reveal
And let me feel relief
and hope
if only for a moment.

Changing Everything

But I want to give in
And give up
Better men than me could not change
And who am I?
I want to fall back into darkness
As it gently tears me to peaces from the inside out
In what world could I possibly ever hope to triumph?
In what world could I ever imagine changing?
Who am I that I should think I could be better?
That I could change?

I am nothing.

I am no one.

But then there was the incarnation.

Did not God become a man?

Blood and scales and screaming pain
I beg you to change what I cannot change-
My heart.

Forgive me and show me flying horses.

Restore me and let me be held.

Let that tiny seed grow.

Reaching Out

But really we want to connect
And I want to connect
With someone
and something.

Light falls and rises up
Flowers bloom and poets die
Seasons change with every cup
That we drink until we fly.

And it is hard to open
And so hard to trust
But the insides will burst
And the heart rend
And all to peaces fall.

Could we talk?

Would you talk with me?

And when we feel alone we do things
And then live with what that brings
And then we dream of other nights
And days that never came.

But though another is not the answer
It is not against the answer either
And in another we see real love
And then can oft believe.