Fears that Stop Me Praying

Some nights are just longer than others
and if I were to be honest
I would tell you
(or at least tell myself)
that I didn’t like the waiting–
that I didn’t like the temptation and the testing,
that I was
in fact
very tired.

I have dreams you know
the ones I don’t like to think about
(which almost guarantees they won’t come to pass)
because I have a hard time with happy endings
(at least for myself)
but if I were to be honest…
I still have dreams.

But I am afraid to make them prayers
Do you believe in God?
I do
But I have some serious trust issues
even with Him.

I am afraid of joy.

I don’t trust it.

How could it possibly be?

For me…?

Kissing and Wanting

Do you think I want to be alone?
Or do you think I don’t believe because of you?
Do you think I seek the perfection in another that does not exist in myself?
I have my desires
And I even had once hopes and dreams
And maybe you could help me see
That there is reason for me to rise
Rise out of this dirt
But I do not need or want
For you to be some sacred god
And if the real one uses you
Then would you not be happy yet?
I need all the kisses kept
For the day when you would find
Peace on earth and some sweet faith
And then I’ll kiss you back.

Valley of Shadow

Do the dreams we dream exist,
Here within our dying world?
Are there hopes that take on flesh,
And long at last we see unfurled?

Is there light which makes it down,
Here below the canyon walls?
In the darkest valley, here,
Here beneath the thundering falls?

’cause we know that nightmares ride
hoof-beats echoing their call
Fears made flesh we know exist
We can hear them at the wall.

Silence takes us to a place
A place we fear we must go
Only there inside ourselves,
We begin to even know.

It’s not that truth lies inside
But there, is where we can see–
But there, is where demons hide
And hopes long to see us free.