On Suicide

I was at work
And someone told me
And I was too stunned to react.

But then I woke up today
And I couldn’t stop the tears
Because he was dead.

I didn’t even know
That he had meant so much to me
Until this moment…

Typing at this computer.

Christians have been murdered
In Syria and Iraq
Just recently, maybe even yesterday as he was dying.

And I feel that he specifically
Would not fault me
For bringing that up in this context.

He seemed to love inappropriate
and a good lack of segue
And mixing truth with all of that.

And he made me laugh.

I don’t think I can fault him
For going so soon
This whole life thing is awful, after all.

But I do feel
a great sadness
and I don’t know that I can really write what I want to about this.

I hope I can look up too.

A Weight Unto Death

You left three children
and a woman
when you took your own life.

and now when I ski
I will always remember
that last time we went together.

And all of those times you
you looked in people’s eyes
and they felt connected…

I know why
I know what
but they mostly didn’t get it.

They just thought you were so nice
(and you were, of course)
they just thought you understood.

They didn’t know how
they didn’t know the price you paid
to understand, to connect, to be so “nice.”

I know that when you saw them
when you looked into their eyes
you felt whatever they felt.

I know that if they were hurting
You were hurting
and if they were happy…

But all that feeling
Comes with a price
and it is heavy.

To feel what another feels
To take it on yourself
This is a hard way to bear another’s burden.

I’m Sorry You Had to Go My Friend

Three days ago
you killed yourself
and now as I sit here
It occurs to me,
it occurs to me that Jesus sweated blood.
It occurs to me that He asked if there was another way.
There wasn’t.

So if I try and drown my agony out
with some sort of sin or foolishness
it just won’t work.

I cannot escape the agony.

No one escapes the agaony.

Jesus did not escape the agony.

So as I sit here not sleeping
Feeling my pain
I guess it just has to hurt right now
and maybe it has to hurt often
but I guess right now anyways
I just have to feel
and that feeling is pain.

It goes beyond my understanding
and I have tried to run from it
but that (so it would seem)
is just not the way.

There is peace
and even joy
but so this life brings other things
and suffering was promised to
every son of man.

And to the children
so elect
by the wisdom of our God
was also promised suffering.

And so in agony I sit
And pray you found your way back home
the days just got a little longer
now that you are gone.

To the Others on Ending It

Some people just can’t understand suicide
They say all kinds of things
And when they’re done you still feel dead
And now a bit more silent.

Some people can’t relate to suicide
They say they have never had the thought
And then they still keep speaking boldly
After their admission of ignorance.

Some people don’t approve of suicide
And feel the need to say such things
I’m not sure what they think their words
Would do to someone on the brink.

If you have never wanted to die
Then of course you never would have thought
How you might, by your own hand
Make that thought come real.

And I know life is hard-fought precious
And that it brings so many pains
And that its beauty gets obscured
By all the many sins and stains.

Some people know the darkness
And how it feels at night
Some people know the torture
And still they found a light.