As I drink my whiskey
And remember their names
I long for their voices
And what that meant to me.
But I cannot live
Forever in the past
Annihilating my self
To merge with the dead
As if I could live their dreams.
Their memory is safe with me
Burned in my bones
Like the first time I saw a topless woman in Africa
It is not a question of holding on
It will always be there
Until my body turns to dust.
So I will drink my whiskey
And remember their names
And their voices
And what that means to me
Knowing that their memory
Is not a weight to carry,
But rather a foundation on which to build…
And I know they would like this whiskey.
The sun has risen in this winter
Bringing light with little heat
The daybreak wills the night to splinter
And this, the aching starting feat.
The light reveals such devastation
And still it is so bitter cold
I bend my knees to God’s salvation
And listen as the tale unfolds.
Feels so big to change.
And so hard just to begin
Let us now begin.
If I imagine
As having different tanks
Like a car
That requires multiple different fuels
I have this tank
And another of hope
I find that all the possible tanks
Are never all filled
And I might have to drain one
To fill another.
Do I ever get to feel
A day or night in that high dream
What it’s like to be
With all the tanks all full?
When I sing,
“I need you more,”
And my bones rejoice that truth
My mind can sense my heart is tense
Though longing after you.
To feel and think as if the same
And not to keep them far apart
To trust your gut, your mind, your heart
This is an essential art.
There is a light in the dark desert night
I can hear the wind in the brush
I can feel the cold left by the fleeing sun
But there is a light in the dark desert night
And I will look its way..
The lapping gentle waves ashore
Invite my heart to less not more
And as my heart accepts the calm
The peace seeps in a healing balm.
In this calmer state I find
The voice of heaven bleeding kind
The tears and panic fade away
And in this space the quiet lay
I do not have the answers here
But I have felt the grip of fear
And knowing just how cruel a foe
I will rejoice to see fear go.
I was born where
I had no control
over such things.
Would that I knew why God had placed me here.
I am adrift
And I am not sure
How to help
Or do good
Christ have mercy.
The wine I’m drinking
The book I’m reading
The sun that’s setting
The prayer I’m breathing
All this I do alone
And I suppose
There is a weight to that solitude
And I feel it now.
Christ have mercy
On me a sinner.