Despair

Timing

Sometimes
I get caught
intellectually
between a rock
and a hard place
and I feel like
I am the only one
and that this never happens
to my enemies.

And I forget that
God hears
and I feel the world continue to spin
When I just want it to
stop.

And I just want to figure it out
but the world does not stop for me
or anyone else
and if it is happening to me
It has happened before
to others.

And I want it to stop
and I don’t want to feel
but I am swept along
carried by waves I could never hope to fight
and I am tired.

I don’t want to have small faith
but I do
and the road to big faith
is very hard.

Everyone knows this
in their head
(or at least they should)
but to know a thing in the heart as well
that is another story
and though I love stories
the best ones are awful to live through.

If it does not seem hopeless,
What is your rescue?
If it is not darker than the darkest night,
Then what will the dawn mean to you?

My bones, my bones,
my weary weary bones
let there be a voice
let there be a hand
let there be a hope
in this darkest of nights.

In Time of Need

I am under siege.

The grip around my neck is tight and growing tighter
The lessons learned and forgotten and learned again
Have left me exhausted in my bones.

I am afraid.

The cold is fast upon my heart
And lonely I am stuck in fear
I hear raging all around and the center is not calm.

I am failing.

The light is weak the candle dies
It flickers as I reach for death
And in the morning I might, wake or I may be gone.

Hear my prayer.

The death I seek is not with bodies
Not revenge and not my own
Let my heart be rescued now as the old man dies.

Believing Words

The villain is my heart
And fear a shield of pain that does not deflect
The wounds it gives just from holding
Make it’s protection naught
I cannot give up in this great fight
But it has been so long
And as my heart and spirit fade
I lose that joyful song
Let the villain turn around
And let the time be now
Fear is not the answer hear
And life will soon abound.

An Excerpt Inside

Wars never fought.

A gentle mist that sits upon
Fallen stories drenched in blood
Burdens filled with guilt and shame
And all that quiet rage.

Her hair shines
And so does her spirit
Though she seems not to know it
Most days.

The heart gets beaten and depressed
The worries and the sickness weigh
And all the heartache fills the world
At least what you can see.

When she speaks

I am stilled.

As if caught
in some web
and I cannot move
at the sound
of her lovely voice.

They locked up better men
and left me out and free
They took the best that I had given
And threw it out with shit.

I do not see the light sometimes
The darkness fills me far too much
And I cannot take all this feeling
Sobriety is hard.

When she steps into a room
My mind goes blank with hope and fear
And everything becomes a jumble
Tossed and thrown about.

The fighting always never ending
A constant war without a pause
I long for rest that does not come here
At least it has not yet.

It is not oft she drops her guard
But when she does the angels sing
And in the voice of heavenly choirs
She might finally deign to speak.

I could not rise when I was bidden
Or so the chains did speak to me
And while my loved ones screamed in dying
I was fast held down.

Her eyes are big like pools of beauty
In a quiet mountain cleft
Though all about the storms are raging
Inside their waters lies still dreams.

He sent me to a desert flying
Thrown upon the waiting sand
Ripping flesh and bruising ego
Break the bones to save the soul.

If I look up I fear I’ll die,
I draw so close unto the end
I am so heavy: I cannot fly.
But still you call to send.

Gold and blue that soothes the soul
A waiting shelter in the storm
A sign of hope and futures loved
After all the pain.

Not Will Protect But Never Save

Not is never enough
Let the striving fall
Not will never win
There must be more or none at all
We cannot live for negatives
But must have something to hold close
We must move towards something
Or nothing at here at all.
Hold the flames up close and see
How they burn away the worst
And if the best might come to be
Then maybe there is hope.
I could not live to avoid
I must needs steer towards some real point
But when the house is burning down
It is hard to see.
Will you save me from myself?
From my enemies in force?
Will you save me from the wolf?
Or will I simply die in testing?
Better men have fallen hard
And I still walk above the ground
I am tired in my bones
And hope is hard to find.

Like a Stone

The stress is killing me
It feels like there are too many rocks
and too much dirt
to remove
with just my hands
to make it out of this tunnel
or even see the light
and the air is getting so thin
and I feel like I am doing this all by myself
like no one even knows I’m stuck down here.

I’m too tired to scream
the rage is burned out
there is only exhausted smoldering anger
that waits.

The grief is so heavy
and I feel so ragged
pieces of me everywhere
and how do I go on?

“Take my love.
Take my land,
Take me where I cannot stand…”

I am afraid.
I won’t make it.
There just ain’t no way
and I ain’t got much left.

My hands shake
my body twitches
I cry
in the dark.

Hear me Lord
Hear my cry
my cry is just a whisper now
and that whisper
is fading fast.

I can’t keep it together much longer
Other men
take harder things
with less notice,
but I am not those men today.

Do not delay
I’m running out of me
and if that’s what you want…
well I guess you always get what you put your mind to.

If I am gone
They will know that you did not come
And I will have somehow
shamed you even in death.

If I go now,
They will not see your power
I know it is there
but most others hate you.

They ridicule you
They mock you
They have no respect
And goodness is far from them
They do know I am yours
and they will despise me
and say things
and I know you are bigger than their insults
And I know you cannot be shaken
but right now…
well,
this may be bread,
but it feels like a stone.

Despair

Dust to dust I fall down
Raking coals of fire hot
Never did I see the way
That I might walk in light
And so the up is followed by
A hollow swift and numb descent
A crashing train that jumps the rails
And dreams that it could fly
But I am broke
and war is hard
and loved ones lost
leave many scars
and sometimes
When I’m alone
I think the things they cannot see
haunt me more than most.

I remember good enough to cry
with each pain that makes its home
here inside my tired form
that dreams of peace and love.

Up up up we go
Let us rise again again
until the crash it will feel nice
the wet clouds on my face.

A Conversation

“There is hope.”
“No, no there isn’t.”
“It falls like rain.”
“The desert remains dry.”
“The earth is pregnant with it.”
“The earth is dying.”
“You must believe.”
“No one has that power, not even God.”
“Well what can I say then?”
“I do not think I know. I would have said it to myself if I knew.”
“Do not give up.”
“The way is hard.”
“I know it is.”
“Perhaps you would wait for me.”
“I would.”
“Then perhaps you are right, perhaps there is hope.”