Pain

Craving Safety, Or the Danger of Growth

Sometimes things are stopped
And you feel that the massive build-up of water behind the dam
Will crush you
But you also worry
That if the dam breaks,
Everything will be ruined.

We fear a loss of control
One we do not really have to begin with
And we long for love
And peace
and purpose
and even happiness,
if possible.

Take a brick out of your pack
and give it away
I would tell you to give it to God
But you would rightly point out
That I often do not do this so well myself
And of course
Some of you
Think Him a fiction anyways.

Yet there are things
Things stopping the right flow of us
And we need healing
And maybe that means
We need
to fall apart
and let it all out,

if only we felt safe to do so.

Reaching Out

But really we want to connect
And I want to connect
With someone
and something.

Light falls and rises up
Flowers bloom and poets die
Seasons change with every cup
That we drink until we fly.

And it is hard to open
And so hard to trust
But the insides will burst
And the heart rend
And all to peaces fall.

Could we talk?

Would you talk with me?

And when we feel alone we do things
And then live with what that brings
And then we dream of other nights
And days that never came.

But though another is not the answer
It is not against the answer either
And in another we see real love
And then can oft believe.

Stranger

Your head,
not kept up
Your eyes,
empty and still
Your shoulders,
low and hunched
Your voice,
a whisper.

I do not stop for coffee
when I have no hope
and it is hard to speak to God
here in this desert.

But seeing you
I am reminded
of this sad thing:
I am not alone
in hurting,
in grieving,
in pain.

But it has grown hard
hard to take on another’s pain
hard to love
hard to comfort
when I have such little faith
and even less hope.

But I see you stranger
I see it in your eyes
I know that this moment is misery
And if you would just look at me
for a moment
you would see
that you are not alone.

Because It’s Hard

In a world filled with pain
I’ve had my share
and yet
the people who’ve had much more
always seem to find me
I’m not sure why
or how
but they always come to me
and I don’t mind no more.

Do you know how hard it is to bear another’s burden?
Of course you do
Do you ever feel another’s pain?
I hope so.

When the light goes out
and the room goes dark
and you look outside
only to find
the sun has died
or been eclipsed
(but you can’t tell which)
When the air is sucked
strait from your heaving lungs
and your sweat stings your eyes
and the room begins to spin–

then perhaps it is time
to be the friend
that you always wished you had,
to be that friend
to someone else.

I’m Sorry You Had to Go My Friend

Three days ago
you killed yourself
and now as I sit here
It occurs to me,
well,
it occurs to me that Jesus sweated blood.
It occurs to me that He asked if there was another way.
There wasn’t.

So if I try and drown my agony out
with some sort of sin or foolishness
Well,
it just won’t work.

I cannot escape the agony.

No one escapes the agaony.

Jesus did not escape the agony.

So as I sit here not sleeping
Feeling my pain
I guess it just has to hurt right now
and maybe it has to hurt often
but I guess right now anyways
I just have to feel
and that feeling is pain.

It goes beyond my understanding
and I have tried to run from it
but that (so it would seem)
is just not the way.

There is peace
and even joy
but so this life brings other things
and suffering was promised to
every son of man.

And to the children
so elect
by the wisdom of our God
was also promised suffering.

And so in agony I sit
And pray you found your way back home
the days just got a little longer
now that you are gone.

A Poem of Testing

It has been said
that faith will not grow
if it
is not
tested.

This seems to be true
and not quite the thing
that I have wanted
to contemplate for hours.

Yet meditation yields
Great returns to those
who invest with heart
and mind.

But what of faith,
and all this pain?
That spins the world
or so we think.

In the fire is made the steel
and to be tempted
must be human now
for even God
became a man
and was brought into
the desert.

Harsh Words Cut Deep Sometimes

Fracture lines run everywhere
But they can’t see them on my face
Maybe if they looked inside
But I am safe if I just stare
Stare somewhere near every floor.
I feel a mounting stress tonight…
And cannot take so many blows
It gets to me the things they say
I feel so bad inside.
Even though I want so bad
For someone just to look inside
I keep them out at every turn
Because I am afraid.
Even though the demons ride
I fear to turn again.
My stomache ties itself in knots
And I feel a lump inside my chest
I wish that all the tears would stop
But really,
I just hate to cry alone.
But who would hold me as I weep?
And who would let my racking sobs
press against their waiting chest?
Who would I risk fear and pain
to let them in
to help me cope…?

I feel the need for kindness
I feel it hard right now
Would someone please just be so soft
But strong enough to stay?
I have gone through so very much
And simple words as these cannot
begin to tell you of my life.
Would that I could be so held
And someone in the flesh might deign
To stay with me while I travel
And I with them till death.

Revelation Twenty-One Four

There are lines that shouldn’t be crossed

And things that shouldn’t be done

And no one really wants to forgive

It’s hard toiling under this sun.

 

People say so many things

And they are sometimes right

But living out what they have said

Gets harder every night.

 

I don’t know just how to go

And where I’m supposed to be

But one day with the tears all gone

I know I will be free.